法国的复活节

引用来源：Jesus Shaves, David Sedaris

“Easter is a party for to eat of the lamb,” the Italian nanny explained. “One too may eat of the chocolate.”

”复活节是一个吃羊肉的聚会，“意大利保姆解释道：“人们还会吃巧克力。”

“And who brings the chocolate?” the teacher asked.

“那是谁带来巧克力呢？”（法语）老师问。

I knew the word, so I raised my hand, saying, “The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”

我知道这个单词，于是我举起手说：”复活节 tu-zi 带来了巧克力“

“A rabbit?” The teacher, assuming I’d used the wrong word, positioned her index fingers on top of her head, wriggling them as though they were ears. “You mean one of these? A rabbit rabbit?”

”tu-zi？“老师以为我用了错误的单词，把她的食指放在头顶，像耳朵一样扭动，”你是说一只「兔子」？“

“Well, sure,” I said. “He come in the night when one sleep on a bed. With a hand he have a basket and foods.”

”当然。“我说：”晚上当大家睡在床上时他就来了，手上拿着篮子还有好吃的。“

The teacher sighed and shook her head. As far as she was concerned, I had just explained everything that was wrong with my country. “No, no,” she said. “Here in France the chocolate is brought by a big bell that flies from Rome.”

老师叹了口气摇了摇头，对她来说，我正好说明了我的国家每件事都乱了套。”不不不，“她说：“在法国，巧克力是由一个从罗马飞来的大钟带来的。”

I called for a time-out. “But how do the bell know where you live?”

我喊了暂停：“但钟怎么会知道你住哪？”

“Well,” she said, “how does a rabbit?”

她说：“那一只兔子又是怎么知道的？”

It was a decent point, but at least a rabbit has eyes. That’s a start. Rabbits move from place to place, while most bells can only go back and forth – and they can’t even do that on their own power. On top of that, the Easter Bunny has character. He’s someone you’d like to meet and shake hands with. A bell has all the personality of a cast-iron skillet. It’s like saying that come Christmas, a magic dustpan flies in from the North Pole, led by eight flying cinder blocks. Who wants to stay up all night so they can see a bell? And why fly one in from Rome when they’ve got more bells than they know what to do with right here in Paris? That’s the most implausible aspect of the whole story, as there’s no way the bells of France would allow a foreign worker to fly in and take their jobs. That Roman bell would be lucky to get work cleaning up after a French bell’s dog – and even then he’d need papers. It just didn’t add up.

这是一个挺有力的观点，但至少兔子有眼睛，这是其一。兔子到处跑来跑去，而所有的钟只能前后移动，而且还不是靠自己的力量。最重要的是，复活节兔子有个性，你愿意遇见他并和他握手，而一个钟的特点和铸铁锅无异。这就好比在说，圣诞节来临，一只魔法畚箕被八块煤渣砖领着从北极飞来。谁想整晚不睡就为了能看一只钟？而且在巴黎钟就多到不知道要怎么处理，为什么要从罗马飞一个过来？这是整个故事最不合情理的一面，没有理由法国的钟会允许外国的钟飞进来抢走他们的工作。罗马的钟能够找到跟在法国的钟的狗后面打扫的工作就算幸运的了，就这他们还需要许可文件。总之这就是说不通。

……

A bell, though – that’s fucked up.

一个钟，那真是够扯淡的。

荷兰的圣诞节

引用来源：Six to Eight Black Men, David Sedaris

Firearms aren’t really an issue in Europe, so when traveling abroad, my first question usually relates to barnyard animals. “What do your rooster say?” is a good icebreaker, as every country has its own unique interpertation. In Germany, where dogs bark “vow vow” and both the frog and the duck say “quack,” the rooster greets the dawn with a hearty “kik-a-riki.” Greek roosters crow “kiri-a-kee,” and in France they scream “coco-rico,” which sounds like one of those horrible premixed cocktails with a pirate on the label. When told that an American rooster says “cock-a-doodle-doo,” my hosts look at me with disbelief and pity.

在欧洲，枪支不算真正的问题，所以当我旅行时，我的第一个问题常常和农场动物相关。“你们的公鸡怎么叫？”是一个好的打破僵局的问题，因为每个国家都有他们独特的诠释。在德国，狗 vow vow 叫而青蛙和鸭子都 quack 叫，公鸡用有力的 kik-a-riki 报晓。希腊的公鸡叫声是 kiri-a-kee 而在法国公鸡的叫声是 coco-rico，这听起来像某种标牌上有个海盗的糟糕的预调鸡尾酒。当被告知美国的公鸡叫声是 cock-a-doodle-doo，我的接待人看着我并报以质疑和怜悯。

“When do you open your Christmas presents?” is another good conversation starter, as I think it explains a lot about national character. ……

“你什么时候打开圣诞礼物？”是另一个好的起头话题，因为我认为这说明了很多国民性。

In France and Germany gifts are exchanged on Christmas Eve, while in the Netherlands the children open their presents on December 5, in celebration of St. Nicholas Day. ……

在法国和德国，礼物在圣诞夜交换。而在荷兰，孩子们在12月5日为了庆祝圣尼古拉节打开礼物

Unlike the jolly, obese American Santa, Saint Nicholas is painfully thin and dresses not unlike the pope, topping his robes with a tall hat resembling an embroidered tea cozy. The outfit, I was told, is a carryover from his former career, when he served as the bishop of Turkey.

不同于欢乐、肥胖的美国圣诞老人，圣尼古拉非常瘦，穿着类似教皇，长袍往上是一个类似刺绣茶壶套的高帽子。我被告知这套行头是他前一份工作的遗留物，此前他担任土耳其主教。

…… When asked how he got from Turkey to the North Pole, Oscar told me with complete conviction that Saint Nicholas currently resides in Spain, which again is simply not true. ……

…… 当询问他怎么从土耳其去的北极时，奥斯卡斩钉截铁地告诉我圣尼古拉现在住在西班牙，这当然也不是真的。……

While our Santa flies in on a sled, the Dutch version arrives by boat and then transfers to a white horse. The event is televised, and great crowds gather at the waterfront to greet him. ……

我们的圣诞老人乘坐雪橇，荷兰版则乘船抵达，然后转乘一匹白马。这个活动有电视转播，很多人聚集在海边欢迎他。……

“Helpers,” I said. “Does he have any elves?”

“帮手，”我问道：“他有精灵做帮手吗？”

Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but I couldn’t help but feel personally insulted when Oscar denounced the very idea as grotesque and unrealistic. “Elves,” he said. “They are just so silly.”

也许我过于敏感，但当奥斯卡谴责这个想法古怪和不现实：“精灵，那挺傻的。”，我忍不住觉得受到了人身攻击。

The words silly and unrealistic were redefined when I learned that Saint Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as “six to eight black men.” I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always “six to eight,” which seems strange, seeing as they’ve had hundreds of years to get an accurate head count.

当我得知圣尼古拉和被一直称为“六到八个黑人”的帮手一起旅行的时候，「愚蠢」和「不现实」被重新定义了。我问了几个荷兰人想要缩小范围，但没有人能给我一个确切的数字。总是“六到八个”，这看起来很奇怪，因为他们有几百年来数清楚人头。

The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-1950s, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends. I think history has proved that something usually comes between slavery and friendship, a period of time marked not by cookies and quiet hours beside the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility. They have such violence in the Netherlands, but rather than duking it out amongst themselves, Santa and his former slaves decided to take it out on the public. In the early years if a child was naughty, Saint Nicholas and the six to eight black men would beat him with what Oscar described as “the small branch of a tree.”

这六到八个黑人被刻画为私人奴隶，直到20世纪50年代中期，当政治气候变化，才决定改为他们只是好朋友而不是奴隶。我认为历史已经证明，奴隶制到友谊之间通常会发生一些事情，这段时间不是以饼干和炉火旁的安静时光，而是流血和相互的敌意为标志。在荷兰他们也有如此的暴力，但圣诞老人和他以前的奴隶决定将它诉之于众，而非在内部解决。在早年，如果一个孩子顽皮，圣尼古拉和六到八个黑人会用奥斯卡所说的“一棵树的小树枝”打他。

“A switch?”

“就像一根「柳条」？”

“Yes,” he said. “That’s it. They’d kick him and beat him with a switch. Then if the youngster was really bad, they’d put him in a sack and take him back to Spain.”

“是的”，他说：“就是那个，他们会踢他还用那个打他，然后如果那个年轻人真的很坏，他们会把他装进一个袋子带回西班牙。”

“Saint Nicholas would kick you?”

“圣尼古拉会踢你？”

“Well, not anymore,” Oscar said. “Now he just pretends to kick you.”

“当然现在不会了，”奥斯卡说：“现在他只是假装要踢你。”

He considered this to be progressive, but in a way I think it’s almost more perverse than the original punishment. “I’m going to hurt you but not really.” How many times have we fallen for that line? The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashined fear. What kind of a Santa spends his time pretending to kick people before stuffing them into a canvas sack? Then, of course, you’ve got the six to eight former slaves who could potentially go off at any moment. This, I think, is the greatest difference between us and the Dutch. While a certain segment of our population might be perfectly happy with the arrangement, if you told the average white American that six to eight nameless black men would be sneaking into his house in the middle of the night, he would barricade the doors and arm himself with whatever he could get his hands on.

他认为这是进步，但在某种程度上我认为它比原来的惩罚更不合理。“我要揍你，但不是真的。”有多少次我们对此信以为真？假的一巴掌总是发生了肢体接触，给以前平实老套的恐惧增添了震惊和背叛的元素。什么样的圣诞老人会在把人们塞进帆布袋之前花时间假装要踢他们？然后，还有六到八个随时会暴走的曾经的奴隶。这个是我们和荷兰人之间最大的区别。我们中的一部分可能会非常满意这样的安排，但如果你告诉一个普通的美国白人，六到八个无名的黑人男子会在午夜溜进他的屋子，他会把门挡住，并且用能上手的任何东西把自己武装起来。

While eight flying reindeer are a hard pill to swallow, our Chistmas story remains relatively dull. Santa lives with his wife in a remote polar village and spends one night a year traveling around the world. If you’re bad, he leaves you coal. If you’re good and live in America, he’ll give you just about anything you want. We tell our children to be good and send them off to bed, where they lie awake, anticipating their great bounty. A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, “Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don’t know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.”

八只飞行的驯鹿是挺难以消化的，但我们的圣诞故事仍然相对沉闷。圣诞老人和他的妻子住在一个遥远的极地村庄里，每年花一个晚上环游世界。如果你表现不好，他会给你煤块。如果你表现良好，而且你住在美国，他会给你几乎任何你想要的。我们告诉我们的孩子要规矩，让他们上床，他们在床上醒着，期待着他们的大奖赏。荷兰的父母有一个明显更惊悚的故事可以讲述给孩子们：“听着，你可能需要在睡觉前收拾一些随身物品，前任土耳其主教今晚会和六到八个黑人一起来。他们可能会在你的鞋子里放一些糖果，也可能会把你塞进麻袋带回西班牙，或者他们可能只是假装要踢你。我们不确定，但我们希望你准备好。”

📝 按：

圣尼古拉来自西班牙，故事开头我以为是哈布斯堡西班牙在荷兰的帝国余晖。但是一名前任“土耳其”主教，带着一群黑大汉从西班牙来，因为你身上的恶而用荆棘抽你，如果治不了甚至把你塞进蛇皮袋拎回西班牙，听上去更像是西班牙著名的宗教裁判所。

所以这个故事大概最初和中国东南沿海的“再哭，洋鬼子来把你抓走吃掉”类似，是用来止小儿夜啼的。

然后，圣尼古拉作为圣诞老人的原形，看来是个蓄奴者，而且极有可能是个种族主义者，嗯，我们要不要抵制圣诞老人呢。

后

上文中的一些叙述没有再做确认，比如复活节的钟似乎是从法国飞去罗马再飞回来，比如圣尼古拉生活的时代，还没有现在所谓的土耳其，比如圣尼古拉的随从黑彼得更有可能是黑皮肤的摩尔人等等，但影响不大。

我们常说「欧美」，甚至「西方」，往往是指美、英为主的英语世界，甚至往往仅指美国一国而已（以此为重应该是不争的事实，有意思的是美国其实是东方更近）。所以常常会受更为强势的英美主流文化影响，忽略「欧美」、「西方」表面下涵盖的多样性。我观察到日常交往中，东欧、俄罗斯等国家，可能因为白人占多数，也可能因为同属基督教文明，有时也会被无意识地划入「西方」，导致某些误解更深。

与之相对的，是对于「概括、泛化（Generalization）」行为的排斥。有人认为“中国人是怎样的？”或“英国人是怎样的？“这类问题不再有意义。因为全球化（特别是互联网）：不同大洲不同国家的人们日常生活越来越趋同（我觉得是也不是）；或因为多元化：中国很大人口很多，各个省份差异就很大，英国有大量来自英联邦各国的移民，现在英国人的组成非常多元化等等等等。所以某个国家、族群或团体的特征变得无法概括，每一个成员都是独特的。

但我认为如果把「概括」完全摒弃掉就矫枉过正了。「概括」是非常便利的工具，它很容易被过度使用，我们要特别警惕不要让工具成为我们的指导者。但是「概括」也是有效率的工具，能够产生一定程度的抽象，帮助我们得出某种预判，这种预判是有价值的。重要的是把工具应用在适用的场合，特别是不应该把概括得来的预判转化为不变的成见，替代现场实时的解读，不加选择地强加于单独的个体。

比如，根据这两个故事，可以从不要预设”法国的每只兔子都一定会在复活节给你发巧克力“，”荷兰的每个圣诞老人都一定不会在圣诞节踢你的屁股“开始做起。